ain ashiqin
1159@270293
sixteen
ohana
rgsrcy
I want school work to go away,
And never come another day.
Let all my yearmates come and stay;
We'd talk and laugh and shop and play.
And if we were about to pay,
The boss'd say, "Oh, it's okay."
But nothing's ever what I say...
If only things would go my way.
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
Let's just say everything in this world sucks. I'm not tagging his board anymore. I hate him and his new girlfriend. Okay, maybe she's not his girlfriend but she acts as though she is, and he acts as though he is her boyfriend! That really pisses me off. He really pisses me off. He never ever stood for me, supported me or anything. So what's the point of always defending him at home, at my new school even, now that all of my classmates know about him? Hah! I didn't even tell him that they know about him now. He doesn't care, I bet. How often does he read my blog, anyway? It's like I'm out of his life. I'm just something of his past. Is that it? I think it is. So I guess dreaming about him every night is nothing. It doesn't matter at all if I still care for him, and anyway, the night before last night, I dreamt he was with that stupid girl. It doesn't matter now because he cares so much for her, the dream is probably just the truth. I don't have to care anymore, and he probably doesn't want me to care, either. What happened to all that happened last year? All that playing in the computer lab? All the time I defended him when LBL said something bad about him to me. It's all just so useless. To him it's just the past. It doesn't matter what I do. It all just doesn't matter anymore. I dream of him and dream of him and dream of him and suffer all day remembering my dreams, and it just doesn't matter. All that matters to him now is how I'm getting in his way, and all about that girl. That girl. It's always that girl. I hate her. I still remember how he used to say that I don't know how much he cares for me, and I go around saying that he doesn't. I'd like to remind him, if he ever cares enough to read my blog, how I never complained to Shi Cheng while I was in Primary 5. I never pestered Shi Cheng to ask him whether he really cared for me. Know why? I can tell how much a guy really cares. I could tell that Shi Cheng cared, and he really cared. I just got it over with him because I was having PMS that stupid day when we had choir, and because he said the wrong thing to his friends. He said he liked another girl. When his friends told me about it in front of him, I looked at him and I could tell he didn't want me to break down. He didn't want me to be upset by it. He really wanted me to say it didn't matter at all, and just laugh it away. He didn't want me to tell him it's over just because he said the wrong thing to his friends. But I was too irritated and frustrated and sick and tired of my good friend pestering me all day and following me wherever I went just to know where I always hid whenever I felt angry or sad, that I just couldn't take it anymore. I tried not to take it to heart. I knew it was what he wanted me to do. So I went away and just sat near the Art Room trying to control myself. Trying not to take it to heart. I wanted to be alone. I wanted to be in a quiet place, so I could concentrate on controlling myself, because it really needed a lot of concentration. I was just too tired and irritated. So when my good friend who pestered and irriteated me all day came and sat beside me and wanted to talk about what just happened, it really became hard to control. I wanted her to go away, to leave me alone. I wanted to be assured that the choir teachers were not coming for a long time yet, so I could concentrate and take all the time I need to control myself. But I didn't have the heart to tell my good friend to go away, because she didn't move even after I asked her to 'please leave me alone, because I need a little time and space to do something'. She didn't move, and it made me feel so tired, because I did not want to have to insist that she went away and leave me alone. I wanted to use all that energy for controlling myself not to do anything stupid. But I couldn't focus, and by the time she went away, the choir teachers had already arive. It made me feel so annoyed, then I just couldn't control myself anymore. So I didn't try. Because when I stood up, I began crying. And in the Music Room, I hid behind the chairs and tried to control myself and my stupid crying still, but there was this girl I disliked who kept disturbing me. She just didn't get it that I wanted to be left alone. All the others left me alone, and even the choir teachers didn't say anything about me, but she kept questioning me about why I was behind the chairs. I gave all sorts of reasons without thinking, and then I realised that they were all different. I told her that I felt sick, then she asked me whether I wanted to inform the teachers, but I said no. Then she asked me again, and this time I said I was tired. Then she asked me again still, so I said I felt cold, which was obviously a stupid reason, because the temperature of the air-con in the room was reasonable. But obviously she didn't think so, because then she said she felt cold too, so she hid behind the chairs with me. I was extremely annoyed when she did that, because I wanted just to be left alone. And all that had happened made me so irritated, so annoyed, so angry, so upset, that when my best friend at that time asked me whether I wanted him to ask Shi Cheng for a break-up, I said yes. I made a stupid mistake, and I said yes. And then it was all over, but I knew he was upset. At least he still cared. I was upset too, and I couldn't sleep for a whole week after that. Then at the beginning of last year, I became close with another guy. Right. Him. But when I was with him, I just couldn't feel what I felt with Shi Cheng. I mean, I liked him and all, and I admit that I still do, though he doesn't care about it now. It's just that I could tell he didn't like me as much as I like him, but I really hoped last year that I was just paranoid. I really really hoped it was my paranoia. But I guess being separated for six months like this, and I'm still loyal, and he's always talking about her all the time, her, her, her, shows that it wasn't just my paranoia. Being in a girls' school doesn't stop me from seeing cute guys, though. I see lots everyday on my way to school. I see lots on my way home, and when I go to Westmall to hang out, and when I go to Northpoint and Sun Plaza during the Journey of Errors. I really really really was dying to flirt, but everytime, I would think about him and stop myself. Now I see that I was stupid to do that, because he doesn't see it my way. He sees that I'm no longer around to be his burden, so he just goes ahead and abandon me. And even though he already abandoned me, I'm still his burden, because I haven't abandoned him, so I still tag his board everytime I get to touch the computer. And I bet he doesn't like it, because it's getting in his way, so I might as well not tag, since he's really into her, who is so really into him, so much that she told me to mind my own business. And he's not doing anything anymore because he doesn't care at all now and he's probably just glad to see that his new girlfriend has said for him what he didn't dare to say for a long time. Except that I don't know really whether they're in a relationship or not, but even if they are, it just goes to show that he likes her even more than how much he liked me, because he even broke his own rule for her. So maybe I shouldn't really care, because for him, I have broken hearts of so many guys. I do feel guilty for that, and I have always hoped they'll find new people, but some of them really do still stay on liking me, and it really... like... melts (for want of better word) my heart sometimes. Maybe I shouldn't publish this post because I might have said too much. But heck lah, since I don't care who reads this stupid blog anymore. Anyway. I'm having a flu and sore throat right now. I've been having the flu since a few days ago, and it's really very irritating because it always gets my nose stuffy, and I hate it when that happens. And this sore throat is really a sore throat. I mean, it really hurts.I've been having it since yesterday. And I have a huge pimple on my nose, almost as big as a golfball! Okay, maybe that was exaggerated, but as long as I'm having this pimple and look like a witch, I'm trying not to go out just in case I meet my friends. PMS is really very cruel sometimes. *sobs dramatically* Okay, enough of that. Oh, shucks! I forgot that there is Perbayu tomorrow! Argh! My pimple, my flu, my sore throat... Him, her... Hmm.. I guess I have enough disasters to officially give myself a break for tomorrow! Sigh. Unfortunately, I'm not the judge, so I can't say anything about that. I just hope this pimple will get so small overnight, it will be so unnoticeable by tomorrow morning. And my flu could help me by getting better since it's been torturing me for a few days already that it should be satisfied enough. And my sore throat... Well, I hope I can still talk tomorrow. It's so painful to talk now. Sigh. My terrible results are not helping me feel any better. I got 50 for both Geography and History and just 51 for Lower Secondary Science, which is actually Biology last semester. But at least I got A+ for my English, and that's not bad. I got the highest in class for that! Woot! I can't believe it. But I don't care. I still have to pull up a lot of subjects now that I know how badly I fare. I should start paying more attention in class and sleep less. But it's so difficult to change that pattern. Learning about the Plate Tectonics Theory was fun at first, but when it comes to tests, I can't put what's in my head into words to be put on paper. And I fall asleep in class after the first few lessons about it. Volcanoes is fun to learn about, but it's just tiring to have to remember whether a shield volcano has lava of high viscosity or a low one, and whatever else we have to learn about it. Histpry is all about inferencing and identifying whether something is a Secondary source or a Primary source and all that stuff, but it takes such a long time that I can't complete the paper. Biology is worse. I just can't fit all that stuff about bacteria and cocos and something or whatever into my head. It's seems nonsensical to my brain. I just can't understand it. Fortunately, we're done with that module, and are doing Chemistry right now. Chemistry might be interesting. I'm trying to make it seem interesting. I just hope we don't have to memorise a lot of things like we have to in Biology. I'm not good at memorising. I have to go now, so until next time.
i'm still here.
5:15 pm
