ain ashiqin
1159@270293
sixteen
ohana
rgsrcy
I want school work to go away,
And never come another day.
Let all my yearmates come and stay;
We'd talk and laugh and shop and play.
And if we were about to pay,
The boss'd say, "Oh, it's okay."
But nothing's ever what I say...
If only things would go my way.
Monday, May 07, 2007
I shouldn't be blogging but I am.
Depression is taking over Ain like snap. I really don't know how much more depressed I can get, but if I cry again after my Geography and Malay papers tomorrow, I won't last long. I don't want to talk about English Compo and Philosophy today, or about History on Friday. I'm positive I'm going to fail already and get a Limited for Philosophy. I don't why I'm so stupid, but there's no denying it now, I am. And I'm not exaggerating.
What in the world is Biomes? I know what Deforestation is, at least, I know which part of the textbook it is. But Biomes? I'm like huh? Oh God help me learn overnight what we've been learning the entire term. Or at least what they've been learning the entire term, because I haven't learnt anything at all.
Seriously, I don't think I can stay in this school any longer. I doubt they'll be letting me stay anyway. I've got to say bye bye to this school because I'm too stupid for them. I'm too lousy, slow, flawful. RGS was just a dream Miss Lim was flying for me, it wasn't really mine. Now that everything's so screwed, my results, my supposed-to-be closest friends, what's happening at home, my feelings, I can just break. But my father's hope that I can go to Harvard, that's killing me. I can't even stay in this school. I'll be a huge disappointment to him, to me, to everybody who have high expectations of me.
I'm just not their perfect little girl, and I'm nowhere near it at all.
I do wonder, is it possible for me to ask my mother whether I can just quit this school? I don't think so, all that will happen is she will scream at me, and everybody else at home would come out of their rooms to see what's going on, and they will know I want to quit, and they'll also start going on and on at me, and when they calm down they'll pretend to know how I feel and try to 'talk some sense' into me, and the next few days they won't look directly into my eyes because they'd be ashamed of having somebody like me in their family, who is a loser and a quitter. No, I simply can't do that. It is not possible at all. I'll have to bear with being at the end of the cliff, hanging with my fingertips, but slipping, slipping.
I need to talk to somebody. I hate being on the brink of tears all the time.
Dr. Khor told me, it was in Secondary 2 that she made her bestest friends and had the bestest fun. But Secondary 2 is when I have the most horriblest nightmares come true, and I break friendships all over the place. And I can't fully repair those friendships, because when something breaks, even UHU glue can't hide the cracks.
Okay, I shall go and read the textbook now. And memorise my Peribahasas, all 33 of them or so Ama says.
i'm still here.
7:58 pm
