ain ashiqin
1159@270293
sixteen
ohana
rgsrcy
I want school work to go away,
And never come another day.
Let all my yearmates come and stay;
We'd talk and laugh and shop and play.
And if we were about to pay,
The boss'd say, "Oh, it's okay."
But nothing's ever what I say...
If only things would go my way.
Friday, October 03, 2008
You can ignore today's post.
Ain doesn't know how to say this. Whatever nonsense she spouts here, Ain will post this anyway.
It has been a long time since Ain felt this way. Ain doesn't know how to face this. Ain is feeling the most hurt she has ever felt in a long time but she doesn't know what to do with all the pain. Ain is really tired of bottling up her feelings because it is really really painful and tiring and it's just like.. It's just like, painful all over.
At this moment of time, Ain is really tired with the way she had allowed things to be up til now. Ain has taken it all in and she has been waiting for the pain to stop coming but it just doesn't stop and it just won't stop and Ain is tired and Ain really really can't take all this anymore. Nothing is the way Ain would wish it to be and Ain knows that it won't probably ever be, anyway, so Ain has stopped hoping in order to prevent disappointment and hurt and pain but the pain just continues coming and Ain cannot shield herself from it anymore so it just comes and comes and Ain lets it be.
All this while Ain has been able to take it all in because she has always had people to turn to, friends who care. What happens without them? Ain doesn't know what to do, where she's going. When Ain read a message today she felt a blow and it wasn't just any blow, it was a really really painful blow which hit her faster than she could duck and she really didn't know what to do, she didn't know what to say, she didn't know how to explain to the people around her why tears started streaking down her face. Ain was already numb with the hurt she chokes down everyday but when it comes from behind, Ain couldn't keep up anymore and she just crumbled because it was finally just too much hurt to take. Ain had to let her friend take over the situation because the pain was spilling and spilling and she couldn't stop it and she didn't know what to do with all that pain. Did you know pain exists in liquid form? Ain didn't know that.
Ain's friend made Ain be nice to the people she was messaging, dictating my replies, reminding me to include this thing "=)" regardless of how insincere it was and painful it felt to pretend not to mind feeling the hurt all over, all over, even when Ain was aching all over and putting all her effort into forcing herself to keep her mind together and not breaking down anymore, not yet, not until she was alone and could fall apart and stop pretending like she could take any more pain, like she was not as fragile as she actually was, like she wasn't already blinded by emotions which clung tightly onto her feet and snake up her soul and wrap itself around her heart and squeeze, squeeze it until it was dry and wrinkly and just another piece of herself.
Ain is really tired and feeling actually becomes a burden and Ain wishes and wishes that she could sink, deeper and deeper, into white space where there are no people around to hurt her anymore. Just white space, and Ain would be floating around, peacefully, really peacefully, and she wouldn't have to feel anything else or see or talk or anything with anybody at all, no people, it's perfect and perfectly fine, and there isn't a worry in the world to make her cry anymore. Ain doesn't need to hold on.
Ain doesn't want to hold on.
Just plain empty white space.
No people around.
Ain wants that.
i'm still here.
9:32 pm
